April 9, 2014
But People Are Looking....
After a streak of blogging several times a week, it feels like I've run into a brick wall. There are vague ideas on the other side of that wall, I can hear them, but I don't fully have a grasp on them or the ability to put them into words yet. I tend to analyze my actions and reactions in depth, and so naturally I started to wonder where that brick wall came from.
I believe a few of the bricks are made up of "blogger envy". I have always struggled a bit with finding my own style, finding topics and ways to write that let my personality shine through. Because of that, I have a tendency to read other people's blogs, sigh and say "I wish that I could write like that". But I can't, and so I don't. I know that my blogging will never measure up to anyone else in my eyes, and I am far from an unbiased judge of my writing. In some ways I have learned to ignore those whispers of doubt, but the walls still pop up now and then to block me.
As for the rest of the bricks in the wall - a lot of them recently have come from the realization that people read my blog. I knew that, but until recently it had only been a small handful of people. It was easy to just write without thinking of my audience because it was easy to forget that I had one.
You see, I don't share my feelings and thoughts with people, not really. It's easier when I'm writing because when I write my thoughts flow much easier, and there isn't someone actually sitting across from me. In person though - unless you are my Knight, my parents/sisters, or a friend I feel very comfortable with, forget it. And even with those people, it is hard for me to properly vocalize what I am thinking on the inside.
It's not just the deep thoughts, the feelings in my heart, but to a certain extent my normal every day thoughts, my reactions, my opinions. It's easier to keep it all inside - no one can misunderstand, no one can argue, no one can ask uncomfortable questions that I don't quite know how to formulate an answer to, no one can tell me that I'm wrong or use my words and opinions against me. It's easier to be quiet then fumble through a sentence while trying to get my thoughts from my head to my lips, and to take too long and get talked over. I have my little wall that I've built up, and while I let some things on the other side, I keep most of it safely protected inside my head.
Recently I think I have come to realize more that while more people are reading my blog, most of them are people that I know... and that's uncomfortable for me. When I thought of it as random strangers reading my blog it was easier, because I could throw stuff out there and it didn't matter because I'd never know the people reading, and it didn't matter. I've retreated a little bit, because even though I want to share more introspected, more "thoughts rather than just what I've been doing post"... people are looking. You are looking, you are reading this post and I've let you inside of my head. It is very tempting to just delete this whole post and write something bland about how I want to get a second ear piercing - but at the same time I want to overcome that discomfort and be able to throw my soul out there every now and then. And so that is why I am letting you read all this, because I want to push myself out past my comfort zone and get past the fear and discomfort of letting people in.
At least, you know, only letting people in via my blog. One step at a time folks, one step at a time.