You Are Loved

It is so easy to distance myself from the Cross.

It is so easy to separate my sins from the sins of those who were in the crowd, calling for Christ's death. It is easy to pass of my role in Our Lord's Passion as an inactive or indirect one.  Yet I play a very real, very direct role in His suffering and Death.

It was all because of me, and my sins. It is an uncomfortable reality to face. It's painful and so I shy away from admitting that I am as at much at fault as those who lined the streets of Jerusalem and cheered as Jesus dragged His heavy cross up Calvary.

And still, there is hope. Not only was His passion because of me, it was for me. He gave His life for me. He wanted to save me and redeem my soul. His heart bled with love. For me.

There is no way that I can ever repay Him, but in His mercy He does not ask me to. He gives love and salvation to me freely, and without hesitation.

I don't deserve it, and I can never deserve it. Still, He whispers to me from the cross where He hangs in agony,

"I love you."

Our Story Continues

As of approximately 2pm today, I have been engaged for a whole week. It's starting to sink in ever so slowly, but it certainly doesn't feel completely real yet. The beautiful ring he gave me still feels a little strange on my left hand, while at the same time feeling like it belongs there so perfectly. It's so strange, and so wonderful, to call him my fiance, instead of just my boyfriend.

If you've followed my blog for a while or done any poking around, there is a chance you've read the first part of our love story in "A Tale of Two Roses", something we wrote a few years ago relating how St. Therese worked through her novena to help bring us together.

We've been through a lot since then... plenty of trials, hurting, sadness, all amplified by the long distance between us. We've had our share of tears, and there have been times when I found myself confused and wondering if we were really supposed to be together, or if our paths were only to cross for a short time. It was hard being asked over and over again when I thought the next step might take place, because I honestly didn't know, and I wasn't sure if not knowing was a good thing, or a bad thing. I knew we weren't at the right place in our lives for getting engaged yet, and that every couple's relationship is different. When well meaning family and friends continued to ask if there was something wrong with us, it was hard not to feel like something might be even while deep down in my heart I knew we were at the place we were supposed to be.

What has kept us going through the long months between our visits is the deep love we share for each other. Through that love we have created so many incredible memories together. We've laughed, given each other hope and filled our hearts with joy. Even when we were going through difficult moments, I knew that I could never love anyone else as much as I love him. He understands me in a way no one else does, he is always so patient with me, he knows what to say to make me laugh, to encourage me, how to gently pull me back when I get angry and unreasonable.

He inspires me to be a better person. He disagrees when I tell him this but I really don't deserve someone as wonderful, caring and thoughtful as him. We first started talking and became friends when I was 15 and he was 16 - so long ago! - and I was 19 when we started dating, just finished with my freshman year of college. We have grown up together in many ways, and shaped each other in to the people we are now. He has been there for me through some of the most difficult times in my life, and I have been able to be there for him.

In October we prayed another novena together, and the answer I got from St. Therese this time was "If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late" Habakkuk 2:3. It wasn't the exact message I wanted to hear, but that verse (along with the song 'Wait for It' from Hamilton) helped me to find my patience and trust again in God that when the time was right, we would move on to the next step in our relationship.

And now here we are. The love of my life has asked me to be his wife, and I have said yes and we are planning our wedding for next year. It is so surreal and incredible and utterly perfect. It is more perfect than anything I ever imagined or dreamed of, and God shown me multiple times this past week that we are moving forward in the time that He had planned for us. Now, we have only to get through the 502 days until our wedding... not that I'm counting down, oh no, not at all.

Confessions of a Hospitality Major: Life and Lemonade

It's been two years now since I began working in the hospitality industry, one year now since I left my little limited service world of the TownePlace Suites for the much, much lager world of Hilton. As with any anniversary, I feel like there should be life lessons I've taken away from my experiences and nuggets of wisdom that I've gleaned and stored away for future times. I suppose that, yes, I have learned a few things. You can't go a year in your life and not change as a person or learn something.

In the last year, I've learned that there are a lot of entitled, selfish people in the world and not all of them book through third party websites. Most of them come from the top tier honors programs and I find myself putting on my extra bright and sunny smile when checking the honors tier in to make sure they like me and don't decide to smash us on the review websites. I'd learned this to a certain extant at the TownePlace, but when you are only dealing with a hundred rooms and at the most sixty people checking in in a super busy day... it's not as noticeable as when you have almost four hundred rooms and regularly come in contact with two hundred + people on a regular basis.

I've learned that people can smile and say everything is fine and then later write a scathing review about how the service was terrible and leave you wondering what happened. I've learned that people are selfish, demanding, and not all of the nasty people you can encounter will be on the guest side of the desk. Sometimes one of the worst people you've ever met will be your boss, and you'll have to learn how to deal with the added stress and anxiety that can heap on an already fairly stressful job. (There's a reason why people in hospitality are most likely to become alcoholics.)

I've learned that common sense is virtually extinct, people don't know how to do things for themselves, they don't know how to solve their own problems or deal with when someone says "I'm sorry, but you can't do that." People will get angry over their own mistakes and gladly blame it on you, and you will have to smile and take it - to a certain extent. If they cross the line then go ahead and shut that sucker down because you aren't getting paid enough for that nonsense. I've learned that even after a year, I still am not very good at dealing with angry people. I wish I was, I wish I knew exactly how to be polite and courteous and tell people that they are acting like angry children with a smile. My face turns red, I freeze up, I get anxious because "shoot this person is mad at me, and if they leave here mad I'm the one who is going to get in trouble for not making them happy."

It's a lot to deal with, and I've learned that while I do enjoy the Front Desk on it's good days it's burning me out and I definitely can't do it forever. There's a lot of days when I leave work muttering how much I hate my job and I just can't deal with this s*** anymore. I've walked in the door to start my shift, had an encounter that pushed me up to the edge right away and gone to my computer and started looking for other jobs.

And I've learned that gosh darnit anyhow, I don't want to work in any other industry. It's frustrating at all get out sometimes (a lot of the time) but for some reason I love it. I love working in a hotel.

I've learned that there are genuinely nice, wonderful people out there who will be ecstatic at how beautiful your hotel is and they never imagined they'd be able to stay in a place like this but they found a really, really good deal on Hotwire. There are people who appreciate the things you do to make their stay as wonderful as possible and understand when you can't grant all of their requests. Nice, happy mother-of-the bride's do exist and will thank - and even tip! - you for helping them out. There are reasonable people out there still who will apologize for getting upset about something, and leave saying that you've made their awful stay into a great one.

I've learned that good co-workers can make all the difference. When our former manager was still around and making life miserable and I struggled to say that I liked my job, because most days I really didn't, I was still able to say with complete honesty that I love the people I work with. I've learned that social life can be a challenge when you never know what your schedule will be like from one week to the next and you work goofy hours that are different from anyone else, but getting to work with your friends helps to make up for that. I've learned that finding people you want to hang out with outside of work is awesome, and having people that I can comfortably be myself around is the best thing ever.

I've learned that your job is what you make of it, and you can choose to focus on the bad days and the negative encounters or you can decide to crack a joke, give a real smile to the people who come up to you and focus on the ones who smile back. I've learned that there's an awesome reddit board filled with stories from people who have the same guests and experiences as me, and it's quite fantastic. I've learned that sometimes your work can throw a ton of lemons at you, but if you take a few extra minutes you can get some fantastic lemonade out of it.

It Doesn't Matter

The pair of jean capris on the left are a size 14. The black exercise capris on the right are a size 4/6. Somehow... they both fit me. The pair of culottes I have on currently are a size medium, and they are slightly tighter around the waist than the size 4/6 capris. I have a pair of size 12 jean capris that I bought last year that I can't even get zippered . I'll state right now that the size 4/6 is a huge anomaly for me, and it must be due in part to the miraculous stretchy fabric qualities of exercise pants, because I don't remember how old I could have been when a size small pants would have fit me on a regular basis.

 For a long time, I let my weight define what worth I gave myself as a person. I moved away from that, but over time the size of the clothing I wore took the place of my weight as a marker for my self esteem. I watched as the size clothing I could comfortably fit into got larger, and favorite pieces of clothing had to be abandoned because they didn't fit into me anymore. I will be the first to admit - for a long time, I did nothing to counteract my slow, steady weight gain. Over the winter, I eventually came to terms with the size I am and realized that it doesn't really matter what the number on the tag is as long as the clothes fit me well and make me feel confident and happy.

 Of course, I'm only human and I have plenty of days where I find the loosest outfits I have because I don't want to look at the multitude of curves that hang out in places I wish they weren't. Whenever I read about how the actress Amy Schumer gets dubbed as plus size for being an 8, I cringe and shrivel up a little inside because I'm regularly a 12 or a 14 on occasion - so what do people think of me???

I would love to lose a few pounds and be able to wear more form fitting clothing without being self conscious of the curves of my stomach that make me wonder if someone glancing at me might think I'm pregnant. While I do think I look a bit better with my more rounded face compared to the narrower face of my youth, I'd really love to lose the double chin that likes to sneak into photographs.
Discovering the pair of 4/6 capris the other week really drove home forme that clothing sizes are very arbitrary and it really. doesn't. matter. It doesn't matter how much I weigh. I'd love to lose a few pounds, and losing a size or two would be great - because there are some skirts and dresses I have that I love and want to be able to wear again! I'm working out again, but this time I'm going to focus on becoming strong, not losing weight. My goal is to be fit and happy with who I am, not obsess over the number on my clothing tags that society has decided is a marker for how valuable of a person you are.

If you read this, I hope that the next time you try to wear something that doesn't fit the way it used to, or you grab a shirt off the rack that you love only to find out it's way too small and you become discouraged and disgusted with yourself that you take a moment to remember the size of your clothing isn't important. YOU are important. You are a wonderful, amazing human being who has the strength to refuse a number the power of defining your worth.

Tomorrow, I am Graduating

Tomorrow I will graduate with my Associates Degree in Hospitality Management. It's been a long road to get to this point... I began my college journey at North Central College in Naperville, that lasted for a year and a term before it crumbled down around me and left me standing lost in a pile of my plans and goals. It took a while to get myself out of the debris of my old dreams and find the motivation and start building a new one.

I picked HM on a whim, but it wasn't long into my first semester at JJC before I'd fallen in love. This career is where I'm meant to be. The hospitality industry, and especially hotels, are my people.

It's not all joy and exhilaration at finishing. I sometimes feel that I'm a little bit of a failure because I'm 24 and only just now have an associate degree - not even a bachelors. I feel like I should be more than what I am, and what I've done isn't good enough. The ceremony tomorrow itself won't be without some sorrow. Due to circumstances beyond our control, my boyfriend won't be there, and I never in a million years thought I'd walk across the stage without him sitting there. But he's been there for me, loving, encouraging and supporting me every step of the way and I know that him not being there in person doesn't mean he won't be doing just that tomorrow as I take this next step in my life. I wouldn't be here today without him and his unfailing confidence in me and my abilities. I also wouldn't have gotten here without my parents and their encouragement, or without the inspiration of my two awesome teachers.

Even in spite of my doubts in myself, I'm proud of who I've become and what I've accomplished. It may not be picture prefect, but tomorrow I'm accomplishing one of my dreams. Tomorrow I am graduating, dammit.